|  This
website is built on the principle that people (me, specifically)
should be able to get something for nothing. However, I'm willing to abandon
that principal in favor of prestige and/or wealth.
The
prestige sellout starts at $10. For any amount over $10, I'll send you an
email whose length in words is equal to the sum in dollars sent. I've entertained
a few fantasies about being a successful writer.. and success as a writer, for
me, is pretty much synonymous with being paid at least a dollar a word. If you
send me ten bucks I'll send you a ten-word email. I get to feel like a real writer,
and you get to feel like a real New Yorker. I may even send
you a bonus of a few words!
Click
here if you're ready to Gimme A Buck (please)
The wealth sellout, needless to say, is more expensive
- starting at $200. For this sum of money, I will gladly engage in any one of
the following activities. -
Spend one hour in an unpleasant
location, impatiently watching a clock, not being permitted to hum or make personal
calls. For an extra fifty dollars I will look busy. -
Suck
up to you, or the person of your naming, by laughing at any bad jokes, attributing
inspiration to mundane ideas, and not flinching when you use words like 'proactive'. -
Act in blatant contradiction to my tastes, and beliefs, depending
on the sum given. Such activities include, but are not limited to, in ascending
order of price: Wearing
suits. Attending office picnics. Posting wacky office humor above my desk. Pretending
to be concerned with maximizing profits. Post wacky office humor above my desk
that involves a kitten expressing disdain for Mondays. Watching up to three highly
embarrassing ads on TV with my mom in the same room. (Like
those excruciating maxi-pad commercials)
But wait! There's more!! Anyone
who gives over $1,000 will receive a pamphlet authored by yours truly entitled
"Ten Ways to Better Manage Your Money". In
addition, anyone who gives over $10,000 will receive a t-shirt that says
"I gave $10,000 to some guy on the net and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!"
Special highroller bonus! In addition
to that, anyone who gives over $100,000 will be thanked heartily by my wife and
myself IN PERSON!!! We will both fly directly to your town/village/city
and shake your hand!!! (travel expense are extra). Please!!
Act now! An offer like
this won't be around forever!
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